Blog reader friends, something has been on my mind lately and I want to stop thinking about it so I am here to purge in the best way I know how.
I want to share with you a recent conversation between my ex and I.
Him: I need you to do something for me.
Me: Sure, what is it?
Him: I need you to…I need some loving.
Now let me just pause for a minute and state for the record that Him and I have not been in love in months. I am not sure of the extent of his feelings for me but I personally do not love him anymore.
I CARE about him and was willing to try work towards building up to loving him again but it was going to take a lot of work on both of our parts; and in all honesty, with our work schedules, neither one of us have the time to commit to what needs to be done. So I’ve kind of settled on us just working on a friendship.
Secondly, it is clear that he must have thought I was joking when he mentioned a couple of weeks ago that he wanted my goodies (that he foolishly keeps referring to as “his” for some strange reason) and I told him that I have “committed my ass to the Lord.” I was dead ass serious.
There is a lot I am trying to build and accomplish in my personal and spiritual life and a part of this transition includes me spending more time in one on one devotion with God. I have been praying a lot more and I try to do at least a 30 minute Bible study every day.
I remember when I first started getting into my daily devotionals, one of the first books I meditated on was 1 Thessalonians. In Chapter 4, Paul gives us a list of things we should do in order to walk in ways that are pleasing to the Lord; and the first thing on this list was to “abstain from fornication.”
I mentioned this to Him when I first told him that I’d recommitted myself to God and like a true nigga, he began to make ridiculous justifications for why I should disobey the scriptures. I think he even tried to say some crazy shit like, "You ever notice how all the things that come natural to us are considered bad?"
Look, I am no hypocrite. With the right person, I love sex just as much as the next person. However, there comes a time when you get tired of just f@^%!&* and want to make love to the person you are in love with. Or maybe it’s just me. Sex with Him hasn’t been enjoyable or fulfilling in a long time. The last time we did it, which was…damn, I don’t even remember when…but it was all about instant gratification; fulfilling lust, not a loving desire.
And I am tired of that. I am bored with that. I am too old for that. And I am worth so much more than that.
About a year or so ago, I began writing a book for the church I was attending at the time, and in this book, I was discussing the benefits of waiting until marriage before having sex. I put hours and days and chapters into this book before kind of shelving it altogether because I didn’t feel like it was me.
I can’t write a book about waiting until marriage for sex when not only am I so not a virgin, but I am also pretty sure I will not wait until I am married before having sex. I am not there yet.
Where I am right now is at a place where I will not give up my body to anyone I am not fully and truly in love with. And with the next relationship, I am going to take a little more time to get to this place.
Him and I were in love before we “went there”. I had a lot of confidence in him; thought he could quite possibly be “the one”. He was everything I wanted in a MAN and a little bit more. We fell in love quickly, and it was real, it was strong.
But it was flawed; and I looked over the flaws because the perfection of it all outweighed that one little red flag. But red flags are like flames. You start with one and as you get to know a person and see the true nature of who they really are; once you get past that “honeymoon stage”, as they call it, and their darker sides come out, pretty soon you look at them, and all you see is:
I won’t get into what his one red flag is/was and won’t talk about the rest. Not here anyway. May get into indirectly in another unrelated generally speaking post about insecurity. Or arrogance. Or being overly critical and opinionated when no one cares about or has asked for your opinion. Yea. I’ll talk about it then.
Getting back to this conversation with him, though; this was had over the phone; while I was at lunch, a lunch that I asked him to join me for but he didn’t have time yet was clearly willing to make time to come to my apartment for some damn “loving”. Tsk. Niggas.
So yea, he couldn’t see the look of wtf on my face so I instead responded:
Me: First of all, that is not a need; that is a want. And second of all, we have had this discussion before so again, this is not something that I can do for you.
To this, THIS nigga says:
Him: I have been there for you for everything and you can’t do this for me?
I don’t even remember how I responded to him when he said that but I know my wtf levels went on overdrive. People, don’t get me wrong; over the course of the year and few months I have known him, he has been quite the moral and financial support system for me; particularly in the first six months (our honeymoon phase).
As I have become more independent, this level of need from his end has diminished significantly. Plus, we have not been together as a full on couple since…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..so I am not sure if him buying me a cake for my birthday two weeks ago or bringing me a burrito bowl for lunch last week is sufficient for my giving up something that is worth more than his damn life.
Niggas be tripping.
Long story short, I told his ass not no but HELL no and he actually copped an attitude and got off the phone with me. Grown ass man, ladies and gentlemen. Grown ass man.
And this happened like three days ago but I am still quite irked by it; and for so many reasons. It’s one thing to ask for a favor like, “You think you can grab me a sandwich on your way over here?" or "You think you can come help me install this new chandelier I bought?”
But this nigga wanted me to do him a favor by giving him some p#$$!. Ain’t that some shit you ask a hooker on the street?
I don’t do sexual favors, and him asking me such considering the level of respect I THOUGHT he had for me is incredibly disappointing to say the least.
To his credit, though, maybe he isn’t fully aware of the fact that our relationship as it once was is no more. Perhaps I have been leading him on with my jokes about how his lack of time with me is opening the door for another man to step in. Maybe he is under the impression that we are working it out and that perhaps a little make-up sex is in order.
Which reminds me, he DID say something to that effect. It’s coming back to me now. After he said that foolery about being there for me, I told him that we still have a lot to work on to rebuild our relationship and he said that we could work on that AFTER we have sex.
I feel cheap, ya’ll. This is really bothering me right now. And perhaps it IS because I have drawn closer to God so therefore certain aspects of my former behaviors just seem totally ick to me. I mean, we are still working on my potty mouth but hey, at least my coochie is clean.
And maybe it is because I am not in love with him anymore. I remember when I moved back to the states, having just gotten out of the last relationship I will ever be in where I will allow a man to hurt me, I told myself that I will never have sex with a man I am not in love with. I would never have sex with a man who wasn’t fully my own. I wouldn’t have sex with a man I didn’t see a real future with.
And when Him and I were having sex, I felt these ways about him. I was in love with him. He was mine (divorce hearings pending…okay, there’s that red flag). And I saw a future with him. We discussed a future together. So I had no regrets.
But as I mentioned earlier, time went by and we hit our bumps in the road and the uglier sides of our personalities began to rear their heads. We went through a very uncomfortable period and without getting into too much detail, I will just say that we haven’t been able to snap back from it. We’ve tried, but it is proving to be a waste of both our times.
I think the finale for me came the day he came by to “see me” before going out town for the week and I just wasn’t in the mood to be “seen”. This was about three months ago, methinks and by that point, I’d lost pretty much all loving feelings for him.
But, he was persistent in his attempts to see me, and although I resisted I eventually kind of gave in, partly to see if there was something our bodies could tell us as we became one that we couldn’t find the words to say.
I’ve only cried during sex one other time in my life and at that time, it was tears of passion, yearning, sadness as it was a goodbye…um, romp, if you will.
But this time, I cried out of disgust. Disgust as this person concentrated so much on himself that he didn’t even notice the tears streaming down my face.
I cried because I’d vowed to never have sex just because “he wanted to” ever again and here I was doing it again.
And I cried because our bodies DID communicate something…the fact that we were not in love anymore. And I’d also vowed to never be intimate with a man who I wasn’t in love with again…and here I was doing it again.
(insert John Legend’s “Again" here)
We’ve only been together twice since then. And both times were lust-driven. I have been praying that spirit away from my body quite vehemently and the Lord has answered my prayers. I have no desires to be with anyone sexually right now. I don’t even have a desire to pleasure my damn self. And this is good; this is refreshing…because I am learning to find fulfillment in other ways.
With Him, though. I wanted to try; hell, I’ve tried. I loved him before so perhaps I could love him again. Or so I thought. That conversation on that Thursday afternoon, after I’d enjoyed an hour and 15 minutes of Warm Yoga and was enjoying my grape leaves and hummus with a glass of sparkling white wine; that was the final straw for me.
This conversation showed me that he doesn’t take me seriously and that he has no respect for my position on how I choose to or NOT to share my body AND that he is so arrogant that he feels that because of how he’s “been there” for me, that I in some kind of way OWE him some ass!!
We were supposed to have been meeting up tomorrow, as he wanted to take me “somewhere”…he didn’t say where. Probably to a hotel room as this is his idea of doing something romantic. I haven’t heard from him since yesterday though when he got mad because I declined his request to meet me at the auto repair shop where I was getting my A/C fixed.
1. Why do you want to come up there? Are you paying? Which is what I asked him and he replied all bitchly that I only want to see him when he is paying for something. Not true. But seriously, why he want to come up there? I am handling business. This isn’t a social call. My inviting you to lunch was a social call. You coming up to the auto repair shop, probably just to see if I was getting “some nigga” to do it for me, isn’t an ideal place for a damn meet and greet.
2. He has this annoying tendency to look at people like they don’t know what they are doing or what they are talking about; and he always knows someone else who could do it this way or if it was him, he would do it that way. And I didn’t want to deal with that shit. It was too hot for that. And plus,
3. I don’t want to see your ass.
So, he has his ass on his shoulders so I am sure our “date” has been canceled tomorrow.
I’m out, ya’ll. Thanks for reading this little rant. I can move on now.